My mother-in-law accidentally cc’d me on an email thread with 50 relatives, betting on how long my “trashy” marriage to her son would last. I didn’t cancel the wedding. Instead, when the priest asked if anyone had objections, I turned on the projector. The groom’s face when I walked out alone was priceless.

Then, my phone buzzed on the nightstand.

A notification lit up the dark room. It was an email. My brow furrowed. It was from Patricia, sent to a massive distribution list: “Family & Wedding Party.”

Subject: Wedding Logistics & Betting Pool Update.

Why was I cc’d? It must have been a mistake. Patricia was meticulous, but perhaps the wine had made her sloppy. Expecting a seating chart or a complaint about the florist, I opened it.

There was no text in the body. Just an attachment. An Excel spreadsheet.

I tapped the file. It opened, the small grid illuminating my face in the dark room. I zoomed in.

My heart stopped.

————–

The columns were neatly labeled: Name, Wager Amount, Duration, and Cause of Split.

I couldn’t breathe. My fingers swiped down the list. There were over fifty names. My future in-laws. Brendan’s fraternity brothers. Even the officiant, Father McKinnon, was listed.

Aunt Sarah: 

$500.1Year.Cheatsonhimwithapoolboy.It’sinhernature.\ast \ast \ast CousinMike\ast \ast :\ast$

1,000. 3 Months. She can’t handle the lifestyle. She’ll go back to the trailer park.
Uncle Robert: $200. The Honeymoon. Brendan realizes he married the help.

The nausea hit me like a physical blow. I rushed to the bathroom, retching into the marble sink. These people… they weren’t just tolerating me. They were monetizing my humiliation. They were gambling on the destruction of my life.

I washed my face with cold water, staring at my reflection. Pale skin, dark circles, eyes wide with horror. Is this who I am? The charity case? The joke?

I walked back to the phone, my hands shaking. I scrolled to the bottom of the thread. Patricia had added a comment below the spreadsheet.

From: Patricia Wellington
I give it 6 months before she realizes she’s trash and he’s treasure. Brendan, darling, did you secure the pre-nup? We don’t want her taking the silver on her way out.

And then, I saw it. The reply. The timestamp was from ten minutes ago.

From: Brendan Wellington
Lol, Mom. Give her a year. She’s tenacious. But yeah, keep the pool open. Just make sure the payout happens after the honeymoon, I want to enjoy the Maldives.